So, the great book…

Here’s a great book for those parenting older kids – or youth working – or anything to do with children, or infact humanity actually! UNCONDITIONAL PARENTING by Alfie Kohn. Now, be warned – it’s pretty challenging to all that we do and all that we are in Western Society but hey, that’s what i LOVE about it. I couldn’t even get through the introduction without underlining half of it!

Let me give you a slight taste…

In a nutshell, Alfie Kohn works basically with education in the US (not parenting) helping to get OUT of the mode of ‘control’ and INto the mode of respect, understanding, relationships with kids. As you may have seen in a prior post of mine, Kohn is very much against traditional use of rewards and punishments – punishments, because they are pointless and serve to do nothing but isolate and victimise children rather than address the issues at hand, and rewards, because they are nothing but a means of control and teach children not to be nice because it’s nice to be nice, but to be nice because mummy will give me a biscuit. Studies have shown that in fact, rewards and praise like this, REDUCE the occurence of such “nice” behaviours rather than increase them…mainly because children do it to please you rather than do it because it’s the right thing.

One of the biggest things about Kohn is that he says to make sure you ask yourself whether what YOU are doing with children (in work or home life) is consistent with what you really want. Is the way you are responding teaching/growing your child into whom you want them to be long term? Or…is it a quick fix/reactive thing in the moment? If you child is being rude to you/throwing a wobbly in the supermarket, will what you say to him/her contribute in some small way to him/her becoming a happy, independent and balanced person? Or are you maybe handling the situation in a way that will make that less likely?

So many of us just react with kids. Look at the church with teenagers – we’re totally hopeless. We want to control control control and offer very little back. We don’t nurture their creativity or independence, we just try to keep a lid on it which actually is not serving to grow them into who we would like them to be as adults. I’m sure parents who use Controlled Crying and the like want the best for their kids long term too, but don’t realise the long term impact of what they may be teaching their kids in that short-term-sleep-solution of the moment. Lesson 1: Look long term.

It doesn’t have to be all bad that your children may be rude at times. In fact, I’d rather one that spoke their mind (and as an adult can look after themselves!) than one who I had turned into a “yes sir” person. Whilst that “looks” good in children, it does not serve as much benefit for the rest of their lives. Take this example:

“From the time he was young, he dressed the way you told him to dress; he acted the way you told him to act; he said the things you told him to say. He’s been  listening to somebody else tell him what to do…He hasn’t changed. He is still listening to somebody else tell him what to do. The problem is, it isn’t you anymore; it’s his peers” (p 7)

I’ve learnt something in my short time of reading this book – it’s an understanding of who we are theologically – as people. Part of why this parenting philosophy is so important to me is because theologically speaking, I believe all people are inherently good with a capacity for bad. Kohn’s philosophy trusts children to be good BECAUSE THEY ARE, and addresses the incidents that need to be addressed. This is at odds with the general response of assuming that kids are bad or manipulative or able to take advantage of every situation so as to cause trouble. It’s just not so. Believe the good in people and you will see it!

~ by Rah on May 17, 2009.